HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
