fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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