Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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