somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
