Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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