The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The struggles of a small town man whore
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
