No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
