I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
