Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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