I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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