My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
