i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
