Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
