do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
