someone owes me an orgasm
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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