Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
