oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Drake has all the answers
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
