i think my mom watched the whole time
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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