i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
