I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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