party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
