Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
