Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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