My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Green mimosas i think yes
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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