im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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