If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
