There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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