Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
