You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
