Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
