I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
