apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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