I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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