It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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