Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
