Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
