Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
