you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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