Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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