My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
