My sheets look like a crime scene.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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