There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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