I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
