Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Randomize
