She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
