She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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