my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
