Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
