My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
