life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
